


Burnout

by OffensiveCakeRecipes



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Angst with no happy ending, Eating Disorders, Gen, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, i'm really tired, there is no happy ending, this is a vent fic, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:41:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22157206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OffensiveCakeRecipes/pseuds/OffensiveCakeRecipes
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal idealization, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, implied self-harm, self-starvationDO NOT REPOST IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM idk why you would even want to"What do you do with that feeling, when your heart has been burned out of your chest?"Bury it deep and let it kill you, you wanted death anyway.this is a vent fic, i'm just really tired, there is nothing happy about this because i'm not a happy personthis is not for attention or a call for help this is just me getting my feelings outif you are in immediate risk or can relate to any aspects of this please don't hesitate to call this number (yes i know this is hypocritical)National (US) Suicide Hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255also i used like an atrocious amount of commas but that's the least of my problemsi'm actually okay at writing i swearand there is some music i would suggest playing in the background while reading this, you should be able to find the stuff on soundcloud
Kudos: 3





	Burnout

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal idealization, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, implied self-harm, self-starvation
> 
> DO NOT REPOST IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM idk why you would even want to
> 
> "What do you do with that feeling, when your heart has been burned out of your chest?"
> 
> Bury it deep and let it kill you, you wanted death anyway.
> 
> this is a vent fic, i'm just really tired, there is nothing happy about this because i'm not a happy person
> 
> this is not for attention or a call for help this is just me getting my feelings out
> 
> if you are in immediate risk or can relate to any aspects of this please don't hesitate to call this number (yes i know this is hypocritical)  
> National (US) Suicide Hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255
> 
> also i used like an atrocious amount of commas but that's the least of my problems  
> i'm actually okay at writing i swear  
> and there is some music i would suggest playing in the background while reading this, you should be able to find the stuff on soundcloud

_ Listen on loop _

[ _ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag6aZHRjWyg _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag6aZHRjWyg)

“How do you convey pain? Not the physical kind, not a searing burn of a knife, or the blunt full frontal agony of your face when you jump from a building. No I mean the emotional kind, the one that sits on your chest and suffocates, blocks your airways and tells you that you don’t deserve to breathe. The kind that tells you maybe if you heave up blood enough, you’ll make up for the breaths you’ve wasted. But it doesn't matter, none of this matters, I don’t matter. I do not matter. I won’t because soon I’ll be in a bathtub, holding that one razor, the one that makes me see red sparks and I’ll finally slit my wrists and be-” stop. You sound like an edgy Wattpad teen. Take yourself seriously sweet cosmos, stop being so goddamn dramatic.

They sighed, scribbling out the last few lines. There see, nothing to worry about, they were already gone. 

Deep breaths, everything’s okay, don’t think about it, don’t, it’s gonna happen one day, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

Tears, why were there tears? Oh yeah they can’t get a break and they’re stressed as fuck, how could they forget :).

It hurts, breathing hurts, everything hurts, it doesn't matter. Go to sleep, sorry, cry and go to sleep, you can always kill yourself in the morning. Haha just kidding.

  
  
  
  


Fuck it hurts.

  
  
  


\----------

“My love is gone.”

It’s fine, it’s not like they were looking forward to some goddamn peace and quiet, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

“(It’s not fine.)”

Only a few more days now, and then you can rest, for a long time.

They walked out into the kitchen, it was a pleasant blue-sky day. The birds were chirping, Across the dirt path the kids were playing tag or something or other. How cute. They remembered when they would play outside, the summer heat reaching the tips of their toes, halcyon memories with a sun-kissed soft edge.

They also remember playing in that one kiddie pool, right before Crux leaned over and kissed them. It wasn’t a nice kiss, Crux was just being dumb. They could let it be weird but, what’s the point.

“It dosen’t fucking matter. I’m already gone.”

Breathe, just breathe, don’t cry at the fucking kitchen counter just breathe.

You’re fine, it’s fine, you’re fine

Fuck, fuck, fuck

A knife is right there, right there, you’re so close just- please. It hurts.

  
  
  


Breathe. Just Breathe.

They rested their forehead on the countertop and sobbed.

  
  
  


It hurts.

“Gone.”

\---------

‘It’s so pretty up here, isn’t it!’

They snorted, ‘sure I guess.’

She rolled her eyes at them ‘ come on don’t try to front this is really cool!’

This slightly annoying sentence was cushioned with a pout.

‘I’m not trying to front! I’m just not really in a nature mood.’

‘You didn’t have to raise your voice at me.’

She was still wearing that infuriating pout.

Anger burbled in their chest, they were just tired, they were so fucking tired, they wanted to dies and rest and stop, they are so tired.

However, guilt and the past trauma won out and they found themselves uttering a very sincere apology that they shouldn’t mean. But she was smiling so it was probably the right thing to do.

‘Sorry’ they added to the end of their atonement.

‘I-’ it echoed, the lost syllable bouncing on each metal strip of the rusty light-house balcony before falling down into the sea.

Join it, jump, you should do it, it wouldn’t hurt as much, no mess, just a few people to fish out your body and then they can go home and not think about it for a second longer.

“Tempting, but then the memory of the beach is ruined for everyone else.”

Their hands shook, grabbing at an invisible pill bottle they could almost feel the-

‘I? I what?’

They blinked the tears out of their eyes, ‘nothing, I zoned out’

‘Sorry’

Stop, stop why, why were they always sorry, it’s not their fault, it’s not, it hurts, just stop. Shh, it’s fine shh, don’t worry about it, it won’t matter soon.

She giggled she innocent, she had no idea ‘it’s fine, I was just really excited to show you this.’

They looked out across the waves, head full of harm, ‘it’s nice’ they decided ‘I like it’ they lied again.

Breathe out, it’s not fine, that’s okay, it’s always okay, shhh, breathe, don’t cry here, you’re fine.

  
  


They waved at her as they stepped up to the door and unlock it. The second they turned away the mask started to fall.

‘Bye!!’ she called, see you tomorrow.

She hadn’t pulled off yet, she wanted an answer right? Right? Please I’m sorry is this right?

‘Bye.’ their voice cracked in the middle. They hoped she didn’t notice. She hadn’t noticed anything else, it’s fine. Shh it’s fine.

With the covers pulled over their head and phone silenced, they wept, curled up into a ball and cried, whimpering into their spasming palms. 

It’s fine, its fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

  
  
  


Hurts.

“I’m tired.”

\----------

_ Listen _

[ _ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xh2sWtGOGA _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xh2sWtGOGA)

“I’m so fucking tired, I coughed up blood into the toilet again. I don’t how much longer I can do this.

  
  


I just feel burnt out, it hurts, I can barely breathe, this isn’t gonna last.

Did you know that I haven’t eaten in two days, that’s the only thing I feel good about right now.”

Not much else happened that day.

It still hurts.

\-------

Blood, everywhere, it was pretty right, they were pretty right?

It doesn't matter, “each day is a step closer.”

Shhhh, it’s okay, it’s fine, it’s always fine.

Fuck

The blood dripping lulled them into sleep.

\---------

**Author's Note:**

> so there we go, this might be continued, with how things have been going for me it most likely will, anyways it's super late in the morning, or should i say early morning
> 
> anyways don't try to be my therapist in the comments and yeah, peace out i guess


End file.
